The Yard

A few weeks ago we had a marriage conference at our church, Living Hope, and Paul Tripp was the speaker.  One of the things he talked about was what our marriages would look like if we responded to our spouses in the words described in the following verse.

Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is joy, love, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

I am going to show you a prime example in my marriage of how I did, intended to do just that.

When my husband and I moved into our home, one of things I loved about it was the pond.  I imagined our kids having so much fun catching fish, hunting frogs, and doing other fun things with it.  I pictured myself sitting by the edge with a notepad writing a new Leaper book using the pond as inspiration. (I think I actually tried to use that as a lame attempt to sway my husband's mind into buying the house.) I was so blinded by the beauty of the house, that I didn't see the possible dangers that came with it.  As our eldest son Cooper began to walk and get more curious about the outdoors, the pond that I loved I soon began to fear.  I pictured Cooper getting out of the house, going straight for the pond, falling in, and us not getting to him in time.  It terrified me.  I decided that we just HAD to get a fence around the pond, and my husband finally agreed. Up went the fence.  Of course, that was the only thing we needed done outside the house, and my mind was at ease.

And we lived happily ever after...

Until.... Well, look at that...

Around the flower beds in our backyard was this horrible, rusty, metal border holding in the dirt and the mulch.  There were a few spot that looked like this.

I could literally see the trip, fall, and eye getting poked out every time one of my children walked outside.  Where I saw "scared for life," my husband saw "dirt kept in".   That metal mess was around some of the beds in the back and on a path leading down to the pond.  I expressed my "need"  to have it all taken up and replaced with something more safe. After a few good months at work, we decided to get some things done around the house.  Redoing the flower beds in the back was at the top of my list.  This wasn't just a want to me.  Of course I wanted the yard to look nice, but this was about the safety of my children.  When the lady came to quote us a price, I let her know it was the beds in the back with the metal and the path that I wanted done.

I was so excited on my way home from work the day it was to be completed! I would finally be at peace.  I couldn't help but thinking about the two little beds in the back that had no barrier, no metal at all.  The more I thought about it I really hoped those were getting done too.  So I planned out how to ask my husband if we could please pay a little more to go ahead and get everything done.  I would be super sweet, kind, and loving to show my gratitude for the yard get my way.  When I walked up to the house, the workers were just finishing up.  My flower beds looked wonderful!

So, you can imagine my surprise that the workers were finishing up when I walked a bit farther and saw this....

I "calmly" walked in our house and said, "Honey, they didn't finish the path. Heck, they didn't even start the path!  When are they coming back?"  Then my love turned to me and said, "The quote didn't include that. I told them to price that out separately."

How did I respond? In love! I took a breath and reminded myself...

James 1:19

"Know this my beloved brothers; let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."

Yeah, Right...

I blew up like a fire cracker on the 4th of July.  Galatians 5:22-23 went straight out the front door and James 1:19 just about broke a window.   Ballistic doesn't even quite cut it.  The following came firing out of my mouth without a second thought:

You don't care about the safety of our children!
You don't listen to me or what's important to me!
You don't care about what I want!
You are taking the cheap way out!
You're completely missing the point!

I am pretty sure the guys working in the backyard heard every single word that was yelled.  They probably think I am a lunatic and rightfully so. The words I spoke to my husband were out of anger, but there is a deeper problem here.  The words that were going through my head were much more dangerous then the ones coming out of my mouth.

If he really loved me he would have ______________.

Fill in the blank. I think we all play this game, and I think the enemy sits close cheering us on.  When we set unrealistic expectations on our spouses, we are setting them up to let us down.  They are not mind readers. When we feel unloved and let down, we tend to withhold our love from them.

Listen to what Jesus says in, John 13:34

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another even as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."

What if Jesus based His love for us on our behavior and what we do or don't do?

Why would we place that burden on our spouses to constantly be proving their love for us by little tests we deem are important?  We are called to love as Jesus loved us. The relationship we have with our spouse is the most important relationship in our lives, second only to our relationship with God.

Romans 5:6-8

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - thought perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

The just, for the unjust.  The righteous, for the unrighteous.  The Godly,  for the ungodly.  The sinless, for the sinner.  We were completely undeserving of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. It was out of His love for us that He died, so that we may live.  That is how we are called to love, not because the person we are loving deserves it, but because we are called to love as Christ loves us.

In Christ,

Jennifer