The Yard

A few weeks ago we had a marriage conference at our church, Living Hope, and Paul Tripp was the speaker.  One of the things he talked about was what our marriages would look like if we responded to our spouses in the words described in the following verse.

Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is joy, love, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

I am going to show you a prime example in my marriage of how I did, intended to do just that.

When my husband and I moved into our home, one of things I loved about it was the pond.  I imagined our kids having so much fun catching fish, hunting frogs, and doing other fun things with it.  I pictured myself sitting by the edge with a notepad writing a new Leaper book using the pond as inspiration. (I think I actually tried to use that as a lame attempt to sway my husband's mind into buying the house.) I was so blinded by the beauty of the house, that I didn't see the possible dangers that came with it.  As our eldest son Cooper began to walk and get more curious about the outdoors, the pond that I loved I soon began to fear.  I pictured Cooper getting out of the house, going straight for the pond, falling in, and us not getting to him in time.  It terrified me.  I decided that we just HAD to get a fence around the pond, and my husband finally agreed. Up went the fence.  Of course, that was the only thing we needed done outside the house, and my mind was at ease.

And we lived happily ever after...

Until.... Well, look at that...

Around the flower beds in our backyard was this horrible, rusty, metal border holding in the dirt and the mulch.  There were a few spot that looked like this.

I could literally see the trip, fall, and eye getting poked out every time one of my children walked outside.  Where I saw "scared for life," my husband saw "dirt kept in".   That metal mess was around some of the beds in the back and on a path leading down to the pond.  I expressed my "need"  to have it all taken up and replaced with something more safe. After a few good months at work, we decided to get some things done around the house.  Redoing the flower beds in the back was at the top of my list.  This wasn't just a want to me.  Of course I wanted the yard to look nice, but this was about the safety of my children.  When the lady came to quote us a price, I let her know it was the beds in the back with the metal and the path that I wanted done.

I was so excited on my way home from work the day it was to be completed! I would finally be at peace.  I couldn't help but thinking about the two little beds in the back that had no barrier, no metal at all.  The more I thought about it I really hoped those were getting done too.  So I planned out how to ask my husband if we could please pay a little more to go ahead and get everything done.  I would be super sweet, kind, and loving to show my gratitude for the yard get my way.  When I walked up to the house, the workers were just finishing up.  My flower beds looked wonderful!

So, you can imagine my surprise that the workers were finishing up when I walked a bit farther and saw this....

I "calmly" walked in our house and said, "Honey, they didn't finish the path. Heck, they didn't even start the path!  When are they coming back?"  Then my love turned to me and said, "The quote didn't include that. I told them to price that out separately."

How did I respond? In love! I took a breath and reminded myself...

James 1:19

"Know this my beloved brothers; let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."

Yeah, Right...

I blew up like a fire cracker on the 4th of July.  Galatians 5:22-23 went straight out the front door and James 1:19 just about broke a window.   Ballistic doesn't even quite cut it.  The following came firing out of my mouth without a second thought:

You don't care about the safety of our children!
You don't listen to me or what's important to me!
You don't care about what I want!
You are taking the cheap way out!
You're completely missing the point!

I am pretty sure the guys working in the backyard heard every single word that was yelled.  They probably think I am a lunatic and rightfully so. The words I spoke to my husband were out of anger, but there is a deeper problem here.  The words that were going through my head were much more dangerous then the ones coming out of my mouth.

If he really loved me he would have ______________.

Fill in the blank. I think we all play this game, and I think the enemy sits close cheering us on.  When we set unrealistic expectations on our spouses, we are setting them up to let us down.  They are not mind readers. When we feel unloved and let down, we tend to withhold our love from them.

Listen to what Jesus says in, John 13:34

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another even as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."

What if Jesus based His love for us on our behavior and what we do or don't do?

Why would we place that burden on our spouses to constantly be proving their love for us by little tests we deem are important?  We are called to love as Jesus loved us. The relationship we have with our spouse is the most important relationship in our lives, second only to our relationship with God.

Romans 5:6-8

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - thought perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

The just, for the unjust.  The righteous, for the unrighteous.  The Godly,  for the ungodly.  The sinless, for the sinner.  We were completely undeserving of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. It was out of His love for us that He died, so that we may live.  That is how we are called to love, not because the person we are loving deserves it, but because we are called to love as Christ loves us.

In Christ,

Jennifer

Michael

Today, I was driving my son to swimming lessons after work and noticed a man walking down Poplar Avenue in Germantown.  He was talking to himself and walking down a long stretch of road with no resting place in sight.  If you live in the Memphis area, this is not typically a place where you see someone that could be homeless.  He was on the other side of the street, and we kept on driving to get to the lesson on time.  I couldn't help but wondering what his story was, if he had a bible, and if he knew Jesus.  

About 45 minutes passed, and swimming was over. Cooper and I couldn't wait to get home.  It had been a long day, and I wanted to see my husband.  I took a different way home, and as I was coming up on Poplar, I saw the same man who was walking earlier turn the corner.  I reached for the cold, unopened bottle of water in my car and frantically searched for some cash. It couldn't be a coincidence that my path crossed his again, could it?  I turned the corner and mentally prepared for the best place to stop to give him the water.  As I turned, he had vanished!  Where had he gone? Oh well, right?  I was willing to help him, but he had disappeared. That's not my fault, is it?

 As I approached the next traffic light, I had a nagging feeling on my heart.  The conversation in my mind went like this, "Lord, he is gone. I wanted to help him, but he is gone!  What do you want me to do?" The light was about to change, and I could either circle around and look for him, or go straight and get home.  At the last moment I made the decision to turn and circle around.  There was a Wendy's around the corner by where the man disappeared, and I thought maybe he went there.  Maybe he was hungry, maybe they kicked him out of the store, and maybe I could buy him food.  I pulled around the Wendy's, and I saw the man sitting near a window eating a sandwich.  PHEW! Someone took care of him.  Great, I get to go home!!  

But, not so fast... Cue nagging feeling.... I looked to the right on my car seat, and there sat the bible I had given my husband for Father's Day last year.  It even had his name engraved on it with a sweet "presented to" note from me about how wonderful a husband and father he was.  At this point I was about 2-3 miles away from the Wendy's, and the nagging feeling got stronger and stronger.  God, what do you want me to do? Give this man my husband's bible?  So after much mental deliberation and protesting, I turned my car around and headed back to Wendy's.  I had it all planned in my head how it would go down.  I would walk in to Wendy's and say, "Excuse me sir, I don't know why, but I feeling like I am supposed to give you this. Take my bible."  Then the man would burst into tears and say, " Thank you so much!  I have been praying for a bible! Praise God!" I was ready! This was going to be great!

I pulled back into Wendy's and looked inside. At the table where the man was sitting was an empty cup. Total Bummer. I sat in the parking lot for a minute, and my son who had been quiet up to this point said, "Mom what are you doing?  Why do we keep circling?"  Great question - what on earth was I doing?  This is totally insane, and I need to go home.  I pulled away completely confused, and my heart felt very heavy.  I turned into a gas station and wondered what to do next. 

 I looked back across the way and saw the man walking near a bank!!!  It was time to make my move.  I cut across the 6 lane road one more time, pulled into the bank he was walking past, and stopped right next to him. My heart was racing as I rolled down the window and said, "Here, I want to give you this!  Take it, it's yours!"  The man looked at me and said with alcohol breath, "I got a bible, read it everyday. I don't need a bible.  I need a ride! "  Oh dear God, what do I do now.... I can't let this man in my car.  So I blurted out "I am sorry, but I have my boy in the car with me." He looked in the car and said, "I won't hurt your boy. My name is Michael."  He reached in and shook my little Cooper's hand as I held my breath. He then said, "I only have a dollar left, and they gave me free food at Wendy's.  I don't have money for the bus."  He took a sip of the cup he was holding, which I am pretty sure contained alcohol in it too.  He was slurring his words very badly. 

 I told him I didn't have any cash, but that I would go through the ATM.  When he heard ATM,  he said he needed fifty dollars. As I drove around the building, I imagined him walking up to the ATM while no one was around and doing only the Lord knows what.  My hands were shaking so bad I could barely type in my pin number, anticipating him walking up to my car at any moment.  I wanted to get out of there quick, and I wondered what on earth was I thinking. I got out twenty dollars and drove around the side of the building.  I pulled up to him and started to hand him the money.  I asked Michael was he sure he had a bible.  He said, "Yes, I sure do."  He took the twenty dollars and stumbled off while mumbling "I needed fifty...."

I drove off feeling completely defeated.  I just gave twenty dollars to a man who would most likely go to the nearest liquor store and buy the bottle of his choice. What just happened?  That was not what I expected at all.  Wasn't I being obedient?  I glanced to the seat next to me and saw my husband's bible sitting there, a reminder of my failure.

Then came the first jab.  I had given a man Andrew Jackson when he clearly needed Jesus.  

The biblical account of the Samarian woman at the well when Jesus asks her for a drink immediately came to my mind.

John 4:10-14

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water." The woman said to him, "Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep.  Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock." Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.  The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Upper cut.  I had enabled a man to get Jack Daniels when he clearly needed Jesus.

Michael will surely thirst again.  In the brief encounter I had with him I could see what alcohol was doing to him.  I have seen the effects of alcohol abuse in many of my loved ones.  If I could go back, I would not have taken the easy way out and handed him money.  When I got uncomfortable instead of being spirit lead, I was emotionally lead.  Instead of having a difficult conversation, I ran to nearest ATM to appease my conscience - at least I did something... right?  Wrong.  I know I could have and should have done more.  I should have handed him living water in hopes he would sober up and maybe one day pick it up and read it.  When his buzz wore off and his money was gone, maybe then he would have reached for the bible, had I given it to him. Trusting in things of this world- alcohol, drugs, your job, your money, your marriage, your children, possessions, etc. will always cause you to thirst again.  They will appease it for a time, but you will continue to get dry. They will never be enough, and it will never be quenched.  Only Jesus can accomplish that.  In Him alone is the spring of living water.

 John 3:16

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life."

The next time God presents an opportunity to me to help another, I pray for a clear mind and the wisdom to do His will.  I pray that for all of you, and I pray for Michael.

In Christ,

Jennifer

Doubt

I had the craziest dream last night!!  There was this idea that I had been internalizing for years, and I decided to verbalize it!!  To all of my Facebook friends, family, contacts, colleagues, and so on.  Insane, right?  Like I would ever do that... "Wait, what's that? Not a dream.... What on earth have I done...?!"

I think what I have done is created a large collection of accountability partners.  God has blessed me with the most amazing spouse, family, friends, and church family that is more incredible than I could ever have hoped for.  There are people in my life that I surely know will keep me on the path to get The Leapers published and into the hands of our children.  Thank you God for those people that I already know and the ones I will come to know through this blog.

But honestly, I cannot remember the last time I felt anxiety like I have felt today.  Doubt has been flying at me from every angle, and the enemy has great aim.  Here are some of the gems he has tossed...

No one will read what you have to write.

People will think it is stupid.

You will lose friends.

You will gain enemies.

You can't write.

You will not see this through.

You don't have the time.

You don't know the Bible well enough.
How do you expect to be able to point others to Jesus, when so many times you forget to point to Him yourself?

YOU WILL FAIL.

No, I would fail.  Left to myself I would fail.  I am weak, and I do not have the strength to even start this process alone. But thankfully I don't have to.   

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.


When I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and scared, I cling to this verse, and it comforts me. Abundant and infinite GRACE. Undeserved, unearned, unattainable, perfect grace from a Savior whose love is unfathomable.  In our weak and weary moments, we are not called to roll up our sleeves and "get er done".  We are called to trust in the one who loves us perfectly, who knows us perfectly, and who gives us exactly what we in those moments we are weak - Himself.



In Christ,

Jennifer

Say Yes

In church today, our Missions Pastor and his wife, Matthew and Lisa Watson, stood on stage and told our church, Living Hope that they were going to be leaving Memphis and moving to DC to plant churches. They are being faithful to a calling to advance the gospel in a place that clearly needs it. It has been laid on their hearts by God, and as much as they love our church and Memphis, they will be obedient. Matthew told us when they first married they made a promise to always say yes to Jesus.

It made me look at my own life and ask myself a question. Do I always say yes to Jesus? The answer for me is clearly no. For years now I have felt God was leading me down a path to write children’s books. Two books have already been written in a series aimed at bringing children and their parents to know our sovereign God. My goal is two things - to glorify God and advance the gospel. After countless hours spent online searching between finding a literary agent, self-publishing verses submitting manuscripts, and so on, I was exhausted and gave up. The next thing I know two years have gone by.  However, this series has always been there in the back of my mind and popping into my thoughts on a daily basis.

My husband and I sell copy machines for a living. It just so happens about a year ago a man who started a Christian based publishing house called in to inquire about equipment to print books. After many emails and a sit down meeting with the founder, my best hope was to self-publish with the hope to co-publish if the books did well.

His suggestion was that I start blogging and gain followers. I wanted to die when I heard that for three very "important" reasons.

1. Unqualified - I am on the grammar police's most wanted list... Seriously. I was a Finance Major in college, and I love my numbers. English, grammar, and punctuation- that is like speaking French to me. (Anyone else finding it ironic I want to be an author?)

2. Priorities - I have a full time job from eight to five that I love and that I am really good at. My husband and I have two beautiful boys, Cooper, age four and Paxton, age one. So, technically, I have two full time jobs! Davis and I are lucky if we get an hour together at night to relax. You want me to give that up to blog!! Seriously?

3. Resources - It is not cheap to self-publish a book. We are looking at pretty close to $5,000! My husband and I are trying to be good stewards of our money. That is a huge investment for one story, let alone the two that I have written. Is this the best use of our money? My husband was on board if I started to blog, but remember, I have no time and I am grammatically challenged (that may not even be a word!).

It became very clear as of late that these extremely valid reasons were no more than poorly thought out excuses. Today, I stand a year later with these responses from God to my protests.

You're Unqualified?

Jennifer, read the bible. Name one person in the Bible that I used for my purposes that was qualified? I drew a total blank and knew there was not one single person that I would be able to name. The people in the Bible that God choose were willing. That is all. He made them able. If God calls you to do something, He will enable you to do it, no matter how unqualified you may be.

Where are your priorities?

Mark 12:30 “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and will all your soul and with all your mind, and all your strength.” I have recently been convicted of the backseat in my life that I have put God in. He isn’t even in the first back seat, or the second in the minivan. He is in the way, way back. Forgive me, Lord. How can I love Him the way I am called to when He is not first in my life?

Exodus 20:3 “You shall have no other gods before me.” My husband, my children, my time, my job, my relaxation, my comfort, my home… My, my, my, my…  Over the weekend, Paul David Tripp came to Living Hope and put on a marriage conference. He was awesome, and so was his teaching. He spoke about how we are “me centered” instead of “God centered”. I want to live a life that is focused on the kingdom of God, not the kingdom of Jennifer. So if that means I don’t get to watch 24 reruns and lose an hour or two of sleep, so be it. How quickly the blessings and gifts God so generously bestows upon can become idols in our hearts above Him. We praise the gifts instead of the Giver.  How tragic is that?

Resources, Really?

A family member read my books, loves them, and has offered to invest in getting them published….. Go God, He totally slammed that excuse.

I am a sinner who has been saved by the abundant grace and mercy of a perfect, loving, sovereign God. Our Pastor, Greg Gibson at Living Hope says it like this, “Jesus lived the life that we were supposed to live and died the death that we deserved to die so that God could treat us as if we had lived his.”

I am going to trust in Him, I am going to say yes, and I am going to do the work needed to get these books published. I would love for you to go on this journey with me.

P.S. A sneak peak on the books… It is about a family of frogs named The Leapers

In Christ,

Jennifer